From the Pastor - Marriage

The couple comes to the rectory door at the appointed time and hesitantly rings the doorbell. They fidget waiting, and speak in soft tones, about what I might never know. As the door is opened and they are welcomed inside, the usual pleasantries are exchanged, introductions between us who do not yet know each other, since only the young man or young woman may have any affiliation with the parish. Then we sit, me quite comfortably since we are on my own turf, and they a bit stiffly, for how is one to act, and what is one to expect when you come to the pastor's office? “Congratulations on your engagement! Now, why would you want to get married?”

While the scene is completely true and quite common, the initial foray into conversation is never really that direct. Marriage is, after all, meant to be one of the most defining and life-giving choices in anyone's life. When true love is found and the decision is made to join together for the rest of your days, there should be great joy and satisfaction, even if it will always be mixed with a little fear and anxiety. Love is a funny thing and comes in so many forms. It forces us to look at ourselves more honestly and humbly than ever before, and the one in love will always wonder what they have to offer to the other, what they will receive in return. A wedding, and the marriage the event begins, is to honor what has already been recognized in the heart, and a public statement of what two people, joining the entirety of themselves in the sacramental sign of God's presence in the world through them, hope to live for the rest of their lives.

Marriage is a vocation, a unique call from God, not only for the benefit of the individuals marrying, but for the good of the whole community. In a most profound way, marriage is not just about the couple who are married, but the whole family of believers who look to them to be a clear indication of God's fidelity and total self-giving to all. Marriage as a sacrament should mirror to all who see, the very fact that God wants so much for us to be one with him, and through such an intimate relationship, bring forth life and the continuation of love. A couple lives their sacrament every day, insofar as they embrace this outward direction of what they are as a married couple.

This kind of sacramental union is not possible in a vacuum, however. Necessary for the sacramental nature of marriage to be evident is at least some level of faith practice on the part of both the bride and groom. How well has he or she been formed by the sacramental life of the Church? How well does he or she see God's place in his or her life? In the bringing forth of their love as a couple? As the enduring presence that will be needed for their marriage to survive and prosper? In other words, a couple who enters into marriage without the sense of the spiritual life which coexists with their physical life, will have a much harder road ahead of them. A sacramental marriage will both draw its life from the very fountain of God's love, and pour forth such grace upon the whole community by their presence and in the gift of their children.

I may not be as forceful in my questioning of a couple who is preparing to enter a sacramental marriage, but my simpler questions and hopefully more gentle approach seeks the same end. Why does this couple want to be married in the Church? What are they looking for from the community to which they belong, even if it is up to this point only marginally? A setting? An official? A fulfillment of what their parents and grandparents expect? The fulfillment of a little girl's dream of what her wedding would be like?

Or are they truly seeking what the Church will always offer to them? All of the above and more besides, in the Spirit of God, the love in which they were each created, and the love to which they are each called to live in God through his Church. Only they can answer this in their heart, in openness and wonder for all that the Lord can do with, and for, us all. Once they get past the nerves, of course!